The Collector

Rarely does a movie come along that both exemplifies everything about its genre, but also transcends that genre to become something more: a masterpiece. Examples of this are Terminator 2, Aliens, The Shining, Unforgiven, The Departed, and The Dark Knight. Now joining such illustrious company is The Collector, the new horror film from the writers of Saw IV and V. Not only is this a near perfect horror film, from its tone and scares, but it also makes a strong commentary on redemption and the bond of family. Arkin, our ex-con protagonist, needs money to help his wife pay off a loan shark. The only way he can do this is to break into a diamond broker’s house and steal a large stone. Once inside, he is horrified to find that the family has fallen victim to a sadistic serial killer who has rigged the house with various death traps. As Arkin tries to save the family he planned to rob, he learns about the hero that lives inside us all.

Ok, I really can’t keep up a straight face anymore. That first paragraph is a lie. This movie is terrible. Not “horror movie” terrible but “all-around, god awful” terrible. And it’s not even scary. The entire movie can be described as follows: “Good guy goes upstairs. Bad guy goes upstairs. Good guy sneaks downstairs. Almost get caught in a trap, but doesn’t. Bad guy comes back downstairs. Good guy sneaks upstairs. Almost gets caught in a trap, but doesn’t.” You get the idea.

I’ll admit that I do not handle horror movies very well. I jump easily (not always visibly, but on the inside) and the tension before a jump just kills me. As calm as I may appear, deep down, I’m still that little boy digging my fingers into my dad’s arm when Mischa Barton is puking on Haley Joel Osment. So, it doesn’t take much to scare me and this movie couldn’t even accomplish that. I’m sure if I was five, it would be petrifying, but I’m not, so it wasn’t.

Let’s examine why it wasn’t scary. First, the killer isn’t scary. His mask appears to be made out of an old basketball that he’s painted black. We’re told that he’s a normal guy behind the mask, but from what we can see, he looks inbred. So, now we have our villain, an inbred ninja, who fills the house with traps that are too complicated to have been set up in the timeframe given to him, and too simple to be cool. The reason the Saw traps are cool is because they’re so complicated and elaborate. We know it’s stupid and unrealistic and that’s what makes them fun. These are traps that look like Jigsaw would have come up with if he’d had a lobotomy. There are a few traps that are elaborate, but those scenes are shot so close and cut so quickly that I have no idea what actually happened. I’m pretty sure someone died, but I can’t be positive.

Another reason why it’s not scary is just the way the film is made. The shots are all framed way too tight so that you can’t see what is going on. There’s also way too much slow motion. Slow-mo can work, which Zach Snyder has proven, but not in a horror movie. Also, who chose the music? It’s a lot of heavy metal screaming that just ruins any tone the movie was trying to have.

The Collector is another example of what is wrong with horror movies today. Aside from having low budgets and being poorly put together, horror has become more about gore than scares. For that, I say screw you Eli Roth. A good horror movie isn’t about showing that most graphic kills you can possibly have and as much gore as the MPAA will allow. A good horror movie is about tone and tension. You want to be so scared that you constantly want the movie to end, but when it does, you wish the movie was longer. Let’s hope more people take a queue from Sam Raimi and make horror fun again, because The Collector is anything but that.