Crank: High Voltage

I usually open with some light exposition, maybe an anecdote or two, but with a movie like Crank: High Voltage (hereby referred to as Crank 2), there’s nothing I can say that could preface the ridiculousness I witnessed. If you haven’t seen the original, don’t bother seeing this one. Not because there are huge plot points (although there are a lot of ties between the two), but because your mind can’t handle the level of craziness that Crank 2 goes to without being broken in with Crank.

I also won’t go as far as to say that if you liked Crank that you will automatically like Crank 2. Crank was an action movie that had a ridiculous premise, and all of the craziness came about naturally. I mean, come on. A movie where I guy has to keep his adrenaline above a certain level or else he’ll die of a Chinese poison is bound to breed some hilarious hi-jinks. It’s also a movie where the main character (Jason Statham) opens the movie by saying “My name is Chev Chelios, and today is the day I die.” The movie ends with him falling 14,000 ft from a helicopter.

Now, I know some of my less versed readers might be asking, “How is there a sequel if he dies? Is it more of a prequel or is it one of those sequels where they just get a new actor, ala XXX: State of the Union or 2 Fast 2 Furious?” Since this is a Crank movie, rather than waste screen time that could better be used for brutal killings, Neveldine/Taylor (that’s the two directors) answer the question on the movies poster: “He was dead… but he got better.”

The only way to make a movie with that tag line that is a sequel to Crank is to make the most ridiculous movie of all time. I can’t stress that idea enough. Imagine the most ridiculous thing you have ever seen (most likely the originalCrank) and multiply that by, I don’t know, a bajillion. That’s what makes Crank 2 different than Crank. Neveline/Taylor made this movie as ridiculous as possible.

I could talk about things that the movie does right (the movie is shot rather well; Neveldine/Taylor has a great eye for action) and wrong (there were moments in which dialogue occurred for almost 2 minutes without someone dying), but any Crank fan should know that’s not what the movie is about. Crank 2 is about crazy, brutal, entertaining, hilarious violence and some of the most cliched, out of place, offensive dialogue ever written. How could I actually critique a movie’s film making in a movie where the main character has to keep his artificial heart pumping by electrocuting himself as much as possible? How could I talk about a film’s story telling elements in a movie that involves a five minute sex scene in the middle of a horse racing track? How could I talk the script when there’s a scene in which Statham massacres six Chinese mobsters at point blank range and then, while covered in their blood, says “Chicken and broccoli”?

By now, everyone should know whether or not Crank 2 is a movie for them. I would probably say that nothing I wrote here influenced anyone to see it, and that’s good. True Crank fans have already seen this one twice. But if for some reason, you’re on the fence, I’ll give one last word of advice. Only see this if you love movies that doesn’t take itself seriously in the slightest, that embraces its ridiculousness to make for an insane experience. Crank 2 is the Holy Grail of these type of movies, and I promise you will never see a movie more ridiculous then it. Well, until Crank 3-D.

UPDATE: I didn’t make it clear how much I loved every single second of the this movie.